Dementia Anger

Mom has dementia. And she has her difficult days. But you can't fix her dementia, right? So you probably can't fix her being difficult, right?

Here's the good news. Wrong! It's not that you can fix Mom, but you can learn how to remake your relationship with her. Okay, I understand you don't want to do that. But you do want to have an easier time, don't you? And really, your better self wants Mom to have an easier time too, right?

So, think of this as a quick fix for getting easier times while being your Mom's caregiver. First, sit down and take a few deep slow breaths. Scan your own body for a moment. That frown -- your anxiety. Those clenched fists? Your pent-up anger. Weird feeling in the solar plexus? Your fear. And this is all normal for caregivers.

Unfurrow your brow, unclench your fists, lay your hands across your belly and breath. Don't have time for this new age fiddle-faddle? Yeah, you do. Because your Mom is often difficult in direct response to your own emotions.

Having dementia is very scary indeed. You can't think right, you don't remember right, you're on your own, often among people who may even secretly blame you for having dementia.

So it's very reassuring when a caregiver can slow down, relax, speak kindly, keep things simple and wait patiently. That's you. The more you do those things, the less frightened your Mom will be. Because she can feel your tension and anger and fear. Then it's right-back-at-ya time.

How to help a person with dementia feel safe:

1. slow down and get down physically to their level, so you have eye to eye contact;

2. keep communication simple;

3. if you need co-operation, take things one step at a time and wait for completion of each step;

4. don't be in a hurry because that slows down a person with dementia;

5. don't argue because you won't win. A person with dementia can't do rational step-by-step thinking, so they'll lock into stubborn resistance as a defence;

6. suggest, bribe, offer, persuade and re-direct instead of giving orders;

7. be affectionate;

8. use humor;

9. don't treat them like children;

10. treat them with respect, ask them what they want, offer choice (limited choice, please!).

If, in spite of all your efforts, this person gets mad at you. Ask yourself what you did to scare them and acknowledge their feelings.

As in:

"Of course you're feeling angry right now. I understand. I'm sorry if I did something to upset you."

When someone is angry, step back out of hitting range. If it's your husband, absolutely do not move forward to comfort an angry man with dementia. Stand back and give the space that is needed. They will feel safer, danger will be avoided. You can leave them literal space too. Go into another room and then return.

These approaches are social approaches that work with a person who has what we might call regular dementia. If you're dealing with a person with major rage issues that probably have a long history, you must get the help of a mental health specialist to make a care plan that keeps you and the person safe.